by Laurie Mazzarella
Letting Go and Moving On to New Opportunities
My heart has been heavy lately. I have let go of a lot of things in the past several years of my life. I continue to go through the grieving process, and I move forward. After the tears, the acceptance, the hope in my new situation, I am beginning to see new growth. But, it has been a painful ride getting here. By sharing my story of letting go, moving on and embracing change, I hope to inspire those of you who are going through loss (and thus change) whether it be job loss, marriage break up, foreclosure or anything that has forced you through painful change.
Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are.
-Bertold Brecht
Things change all the time. We have the seasons that change. We change our minds, our jobs, our living space. Some of us reinvent ourselves, move away from home or decide to change careers. Of course, there are other changes like divorce, being let go from a job or loss of a loved one. All change requires that we let go of what we have become very accustomed to and leap, whether it be by choice or not, into territory unknown. We need to say goodbye to the familiar and hello to the new adventure. We suffer loss and grow as a result.
Saying goodbye to what we think provides us with comfort can be painful, but if we let ourselves move through the grieving process, it will be productive and we will change. There are at least five stages to the grieving process, and, actually, I have read models that use seven. Even though there is not a set pattern or order for any of these stages, it seems that most of us go through all of them at one time or another. So, if you are in a situation where everything is changing in your life and you are angry and depressed, it does not mean that you have skipped denial or bargaining, it just means that you are going through those stages first. Also, there isn’t any type of timeline for the stages of grief, everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. Below, is a list of the stages.
5 Stages of Grief
1. Denial – This can’t be happening. Not accepting the loss/change
2. Anger – Blaming the situation or loss on ourselves or others
3. Bargaining – This stage finds us trying to delay the inevitable loss
4. Depression – Realizing the loss is realty and feeling powerless. May withdraw
5. Acceptance – It has happened. You can move forward from here
Even though, I rarely write about my personal life in my blog, I am going to share some things and how they relate to the grieving process and change. Two years ago I lost my father. Six months later, my boyfriend passed away. Several months later, a cockatiel that I had for 14 years was killed by two dogs. In the midst of all of this, I moved back to California after living out of state of 26 years. Not only did I lose people and pets close to me, I lost a particular lifestyle, career and familiarity that I had built up over 2 decades. When all of this was happening, I was in shock!! I did not want to deal with any of this. It was too overwhelming. I became numb with disbelief which was the denial stage.
Next, I blamed the loss of my boyfriend on his ex-wife and even myself for somehow not being able to forestall his death. Of course, none of this was really rational. I just needed something or someone to blame. I blamed the loss of my familiar living situation on the circumstances presented by moving from a smaller city back to a big city which I found difficult to deal with. The traffic was unmanageable. Dating was awful. My living space was too small. I was frustrated, critical of my new life and longed for my former situation which, of course, did not exist anymore. This was definitely the anger stage.
I did not readily let go of my ties to the state I had lived in for 20 years. I am only now, 2 years later, transferring my auto license and insurance to CA. I kept a “sometime” residence in my former state in case I just couldn’t move on. I had one foot in the past and one foot in the present not being able to fully let go and move on. This was bargaining.
Off and on for the last two years, I felt really down. I kept to myself a lot. Usually, a very social person, I found myself pulling inward, crying and not being very motivated. I was processing a lot and seemed to need the space to let things unfold and face the reality that two very important people in my life were gone, my dear bird was also gone and my life had changed radically. This time of sadness and withdrawal was the depression stage.
Finally, a hard look at the reality of my situation has forced me to accept the loss in my life, move forward, adapt and change. Only when I was able to fully let go of my life as it was, could I move on and open up to what life had in store for me. With every ending, a new beginning happens, and this means opportunity. Having been in a very high stress career before, I now find myself teaching yoga and enjoying it. I have reconnected with old friends and made some wonderful new ones. I am not totally “there”, but I feel like a new chapter has opened up in my life. The heaviness in my heart still appears now and then, but for the most part has lifted, so that I can truly see the light of change.
If your heart is heavy with loss and you are trying to make sense of your life and all the change, allow yourself to go through the stages of grief. Nurture yourself along the way and know that there is always light at the end of the dark tunnel and the change that is waiting for you can be a much brighter, more hopeful way of life. So, let go, trust that there will be a new beginning, and in your own time, move forward.
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